Betrayal, Heartbreak, Decision

Ang sakit sobrang sakit.

I never though na magagawa mo sa akin to. Minahal kita ng lubos, higit pa sa sarili ko. Binigay ko sayo ang sarili ko ng buong buo to the point na napabayaan ko na ang sarili ko. Pero lahat ng yun ay nasayang lang. Sinayang mo lang. You took me for granted.. pinagsamantalahan mo ang kahinaan ko.

Hindi ko lubos maisip kung bakit eh. Sobrang sakit nito para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkulang, kung ano pa ba dapat ginawa ko para hindi mo na yun ginawa.

Lagi akong andyan para sayo kapag kailangan mo ng taong mag uuplift sayo, mag eencourage, mag bibigay ng advise, ng positive words. Pero kulang pala no. Ngayon na realize ko, never mo pala talaga ako minahal no. Ang minahal mo is yung personality ko. 

I don't think you have loved me at all, I think you just loved the idea that I am nice, sweet, thoughtful, and caring. Minahal mo yung mga bagay na kayang kong ibigay sayo. Pero never mong minahal ang buong ako.

Ngayon ikakasal ka na, gustong kong lumaban, pero alam kong wala naman akong laban eh. Bakla lang ako. Babae siya, dinadala niya ang magiging pangalawang anak mo. Talo ako. You want me to stay, ayaw mo akong mawala sayo, sabi mo walang magbabago satin. Pero sobrang unfair naman yun sa akin no. Ano yun, gusto mo akong maging kabit? Ako ang nauna pero ako ang magiging kabit? Lagi lang akong mag aantay sa kung kailan safe mo ako tawagan kasi hindi kita pwedeng i message, i text, or tawagan kung kailan ko gusto dahil baka mabasa niya?

At kung tatangapin ko man and gusto mo, sobrang unfair para sa akin. Ako ang magsasakripisyo, ako ang lugi, ang pinaka masasaktan, pero at the end of the day, ako parin ang lalabas na masama.

Siguro ibalik nalang natin sa dati, sa kung saan tayo nagsimula. Sa pagiging magkaibigan.

"Didistansya lang muna ako ha, para hndi na ako masaktan lalo. Pero nandito lang naman ako pag kailangan mo ako. Hindi mawawala, hndi maglalaho."

Siguro panahon na muna para intindihin ko ang sarili ko. Sobrang kong napabayaan eh, babawi muna ako para sa akin. 

2nd Entry After 3 years

It has been 3 months since I've met you. And it that 3 months, my feelings for you evolved from simple attraction to being so in love.

It was complicated at first, I was not so sure of what exactly I am to you. I fell in love with you that fast even though we were both committed.

But things has its way of working things out. Soon we found ourselves leaving our partners (now exes). Then we became together, it was too soon, yet we became official.

It is just our first month, yet you already introduced me to your family, and they are okay with it.

I know I should feel secure with you, though it is just our first month. You always gave me re-assurance that you love me, yet I still feel insecure of things.

I know I should trust you, and let go of these insecurities. And I promise you I will.

I promise that thing will work out alright.

Still - Brian McKnight

I don't know but for some reasons I can't help but feel in love and inspired whenever I hear this song.

Funny when you stop and think

Time goes faster than you blink

Nothing's ever like it was

but girl we've got a special thing

all the happiness it brings

is more than enough

I know it's hard to believe

You're still the biggest part of me

all I'm living for

I still think about you

I still dream about you

I still want you

and need you by my side

I'm still mad about you

all I ever wanted was you

your still the one [2x]

It's hard to breathe when were apart

You're like sunshine in my heart

I keep you here inside

you've been everything to me

you've been and always will be

the apple of my eye

And I know it's hard to believe

You're still the biggest part of me

all I'm living for

I still think about you

I still dream about you

I still want you

and need you by my side

I'm still mad about you

all i ever wanted was you

your still the one [2x]

If you love me

look into my eyes and say you do

I've been waiting all my life

for someone just like you

baby all that we've been through

Girl I'm still in love with you

and I want you to know I do, I do

I still think about you

I still dream about you

I still want you

and need you by my side

I'm still mad about you

all I ever wanted was you

your still the one [2x]

Math and Love Story

Math tells us 3 of the saddest love stories.

1.) Tangent Lines - who had 1 chance to meet, and then parted ways forever.
2.) Parallel Lines - who where never meant to meet.
3.) Asymptotes - who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

Poem for the Person who Fooled You

Browsing through my old stuffs, found this one.

Poem for the Person who Fooled You

Roses are red,

violets are blue.

Sugar is sweet,

and so are you.

But the roses are wilting,

the violets are dead.

The sugar bowl's empty,

and so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize

would be a bullet between your eyes.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,

these describe everything you're not.

What inspired this fabulous rhyme?

My feelings for you,

no word can tell,

except maybe... go to hell.

Close to You (I just wanna be)

Nobody pays much attention

they misuse their time

Maybe it's better to mention

moments passing by

A secret to tell

I got something they don't have

and baby it's you that is lifting me high

I just wanna be close to you

'cos I understand

the strength of your hand

oh and love that you put me through

you're more than a friend

so love me again

Baby you're full of affection

people stop and smile

maybe they see my intention

to make life worthwhile

A secret to tell

now there's nothing holding back

'cos baby it's you that is making me fly

I just wanna be close to you

'cos I understand

the strength of your hand

oh and love that you put me through

you're more than a friend

so love me again

I just wanna be close to you

'cos I understand

the strength of your hand

oh and love that you put me through

you're more than a friend

A secret to tell

now there's nothing holding back

'cos baby it's you that is making me fly

Oh baby oh yeah

love that you put me through

love that you put me through

I just wanna be close to you

'cos I understand

the strength of your hand

oh and love that you put me through

you're more than a friend

so love me again.

Ang Jeep At Ang Love

I was browsing through my old stuff when I came across an old notebook. Written at the very last page of that notebook was a text message that was sent to me back in high school. Something I really liked.

Isang araw, sumakay ako sa jeep. Ako lang pasahero ni manong. Nagsalita siya "hirap talaga pumasada, lalo na pagbihira lang ang sumakay", sabi ko naman "oo nga po eh". Tinanong ako ni manong "nagmahal ka na ba?" Sa isip ko, anong connect, sabay dugtong niya " hirap talaga pakawalan ang taong sobrang mahal mo. Lalo na kung ipinangako mo sa sarili mo na siya na hanggang sa huli." Sumagot ako "ganoon po ba", sabay sabi niya "ganito yan ang gas, jeep, at ang mismong daan ay parang pag-ibig. Ang driver ay ikaw, ang pasahero siya. Minsan kahit anong ayos ng daan, kahit fulltank ka, o kahit ok jeep mo pag gusto bumaba ng pasahero, wala kang magagawa. Minsan ipagkatiwala mo ang manibela mo sa taas, malay mo sa pagpasada mo ulit, siya parin ang sakay mo."

Should I pursue him or not?

Crossing my fingers. I hope this person has something better in mind for me. Even if I know that crossing my fingers won't really make any difference at all. Hahaha!

I actually have a crush on this guy (he was actually my trainer), and this is exactly his post at Facebook.

Although he knows that I have a crush on him, I don't think that there would be a possibility that we can be together since I'm not his type. However some of my colleagues told me that there's nothing wrong in trying to woo the guy. But I don't really know.

Then I just saw this post. I pretty much sure that that post wasn't meant for me (although at some point I'm hoping that it really is), but I can't really help it. I wanted to text him now, just to know how he is but I'm just so afraid that it would be just a nonsense text to him. I'm just so afraid that he might reject me.

Should I pursue him, or should I just keep it to myself?

I don't know.

How Can I Walk Away...

Baby can't you see

you're the one for me,

but you belong to another.

I don't wanna hurt nobody,

but my heart just can't hold back.

I'll Be Forever Blue

Last Friday was the last day am gonna see you.

I know you already mean something to me, though I know I am nothing to you. You remind me of someone, but it's not the reason why I'm feeling like this. Like, I'm falling for you. It hurts but, I know its just like that. The memory of your look will still remain.

I'm so in love with you... I'll be forever blue...

I Think I'm Falling...

OK... so here it is.

Just this Wednesday (10/29), I just started training with another company in Libis. I have a co trainee who is a vocalist of a band (I forgot their name, but I think it was like Daybreak or something), and I think I'm falling for him. You know I just find myself staring at him, to think that the training is ongoing... Oooohhhh...

But the hard part of it is to know that he is already taken... Imagine how ouch it is.

Early this afternoon, before our training ended, we have this game charade, and then when it is his turn, our co trainee request for him to sing, and he did... he sang David Cook's Time of my Life... and I was so K2DB with it... Damn... I like him... so much...

Him? Her? Together?

I like him... I like her, but the problem is... they are together...

February 2007, I remembered that time, the first time I saw him, I fell for him. But he'd never been mine. A friend told me to tell him what I feel, but I was afraid-- of rejection. Everyday at school, I see him, it felt like a torn in a rose, but eventually, someone came... it's her... but she know I'm gay. The same friend of mine told me to tell her what I feel, but I was afraid-- of rejection. It also felt like a torn in my heart... to never have her.

Summer vacation came, I totally forgot them.

Almost one school year, I never did saw them, coz my class is at night, and theirs is morning.

This semester, Ouch! him and her... both my classmate in one of my subjects... and they are together-- as lovers.

Now, my heart beats again... for both of them. It pains me so much to see them together. But, what can I do?

Can't Move On

Its been almost half a year since we broke up, but still, I haven’t recover from you and the pain… your memories still lingers on me, your warm and accommodating hug, sweet kisses, lovable smile, seductive look, and how you uplift me, my spirit, my confidence whenever I am down…

I can still remember those days when we would watch flicks at the movie house, dine at your favorite restaurant, take me home or sometimes at your pad, those nights when we sleep together… those things I thought were true, I thought you were true, but you weren't, those things were only lies. I thought you love me, I thought you were the guy who took me seriously, but no… you're like them, or should I say you are one of them…trippers… you never love and loved me, you just played me… I fall for your lame game—you win…

Even though you hurt me so much, I still miss you, I still love you, I still wish that we could get back to those days, I still wish for it though I know that it would and could never be.
I know I should move on, but I can't… coz you’re one of the best things that ever happen to me…
I love you, I miss you… I can’t move on…

Lesson She Taught Me...

I was browsing through my old stuff last night, and I found an old (not-too-very old) letters of a personal friend. And there, was a lesson she taught me...

"Masyado naman siya, Bakit siya ganun? He's so bad. I know you have love him na pero sana nagtira ka ng konti for yourself... nagtira ka nga ba? Now, I realize things... dapat i-balance ung mga bagay bagay, though un nga, hindi naman masama magmahal eh , pag wala na yun, pano na tayo, how can we able to meet persons and share almost everything with them kung wala tayong loved one. Pero sana wag ibibigay ang lahat lahat, I realize na ok lang na magmahal ako, pero dun na sa mamahalin ako, it's really hard to force yourself to someone na mahal mo pag may iba na siya. Parang ako... lahat ng minamahal ko may mahal nang iba, isisiksik ko yung sarili ko, ayaw naman sakin sabihin na nating hindi naman sa ayaw pero, malaman niya yung feeling ko for him madidisappoint lang ako coz I know for a fact na may mahal--minamahal na siyang iba. Grabeh it's really better to know a person first very well, kung kaylangan mo siyang pilitin for him to tell the truth why not? Kung ayaw niya, let him go, kahit na sobrang attracted ka na sakanya. Mas mabuti na siguro na isipin mo or let that person go, kesa naman sa kayo nga pero umiikot naman mundo niyo sa kasinungalingan."

Very well qouted ba?

Marco!

Three years and a couple of months had already passed since I met this guy (I'll just call him Marco) who is somewhat one of those termed as "pamhinta" (like me of course). I met Marco at a b-day celebration of a common friend (I was only 14 then, 3rd-yr. HS and Marco was 3years my senior), and we kinda share the same interests like type of music, that dancing is our passion, and that the dream of being known in the world of performing arts. He's really cool to be with... I mean to strike up a conversation with (no to mention that he's gorgeous and hot). Our friendship grew when we became text mates, and sometimes we met and hangout at mall after class hours, talk over the phone for several hours during weekends...but he always refuse to tackle the topic of love and relationships, that's why back then I'd never found out if he's committed to someone or not.

For a month of hanging out with Marco, I felt like I'm starting to like him (I know for sure it is because I never felt anything like that before), but I never did told him for I'm afraid that our friendship might be affected.

Until I asked for his friendster (back then I don't really care bout my friendster acct.) so I could add him up. So it was, I browse his profile and found out that his committed to someone (to a gay of course) and that they've been together for almost a year. OUCH! that was the first thing I'd said, I mean it, I got hurt, though I know I shouldn't be. A week later, he called me (as he always do) and ask me to go at his place, luckily it's Saturday so I did. When I got there Marco was crying , I asked him why, he said that he's bf broke up with him for another guy. I looked into his eyes and I saw and felt the pain in it. I hugged him, comforted him, told him that everything would be fine and he can get over this and I'm here for him... as a friend. If only I could tell him as a lover, but I can't, I'm afraid.

And so it was, Marco had moved on, and manage to find a more serious one. As summer vacation came, our friendship blurred... I was enrolled to a summer sports program (tennis) and he on the other hand enrolled on an acting workshop. June approach, we failed to hangout on the succeeding months. I focus on my academic and had CAdT (Citizen Advancement Training) every Saturdays, but still we talked over the phone. This continue until I entered college, but it changed at the early days of August 2006, because I have to attend rehearsals for a stage play (I joined our school's theater group named Tanghalang Batingaw). For two months, he didn't call, nor answer my text message, and at friendster. And so I give up, I didn't text him... for a year.

And so, a year and several months had passed. And I'd had several commitments (all flings), but I'd never had any serious commitment for up to this day I still want him, I still feel something for him that's why I do visit his friendster profile every time I open my account, so that I would have news on him.

Now I'm 17 turning 18, and Marco's 20 turning 21. The latest news I know was that a month after his 21st b-day he's gonna get married... to a girl 2years his senior (that makes her 5year older than me), and it pains me so much to know this... though I know I shouldn't be.