Time Management

Whew...

This past days, I can't seem to manage my time. Every morning after work, I can't even hold the broom stick to clean the house, nor have a time to cook. I can't even manage to open the computer and update myself online for about a minute. I felt exhausted from the phone calls I have to resolve. I never felt this exhausted in my life... or maybe my I'm is still adjusting.

The things is... exhausted not about the job... but something else. Weird... so weird that I can't even tell what was that, that make me feel exhausted...

Conflicting? Weird? Confusing? I can't even further expound on this. Worst, I can't even tell what it is...

But one thing is for sure...

It's about you... you've been absent (technically leave) for six days, but then I already miss you... Why? What is that on you that make me feel like this? I'm confused... so confused...

Break Free?

It's been almost a year when I dramatically told my parents that I'm a gay.

Before, I feel like a bird inside a cage, a prisoner in my room. I can't express myself thoroughly because there's a feeling in me-- scared that my parents would turn me down. Then, I decided, gather all my guts to tell them the real me... of course I was a bit afraid, but it turned out that they accept me, that they still love me.

After that, I thought that the feeling of a prisoner would fade away. That now, I'm a bird free to fly. But I was wrong, totally wrong.

I'm already 18, my family knows I'm gay, my friends know I am, I already shout to the world I am... but still there's feeling of being outcast, left alone, set-aside, forgotten... feeling of being imprisoned again-- over again.

I know I shouldn't feel like this, but, what should I do?

Dream...

For the third time, I dream of this again...

I dream about a guy (I hardly see his face) who’s running on an empty and dark street. He seems tired because I can see that that he’s breathing fast and heavy, and I can see sweats all over him. On the middle of the street there was a lamppost, and adjacent to that, there’s a house (finally). That guy knocks on the door. He knocks three times, no one answered. Four, five, again no one answered. Six, seven, eight, nine, still no one answered. He thought that maybe there’s no one inside that house. He twists the knob on the door, it wasn't locked, and it opened, so he came inside.

Inside the house, he can’t see anything but only four rooms with numbers in each door. The guy brought by curiosity, opened each door. What he saw in each room is a television, which plays different scenario. On the first room, the scenario was a family who’s quarrelling over something that just happened on them. On the second o, it shows a bed scene between two boys. On the third scenario, he saw clique of boys and girls who’s throwing a party. And on the last room, he saw a guy who is hanged on a tree, with bloods all over his body…

Then… boom… I was awake, with cold sweats on my forehead, and a teardrop on my eye…

Confused (I am really am)

In my last year in Grade School (grade6), I had a different feeling when I looked at my boy classmates. It's like a feeling of enjoyment, excitement, a feeling that would give you a hint you're a gay.

That feeling still lingers when I entered High School, or I might say... that feeling grows. There was even a time in my sophomore year when a guy classmate ask me “are you sure you're a gay... do you wanna have sex with a girl?” and I answered him “Duh! Over my dead body” and yeah... back then I really can't imagine myself in bed or even marrying a girl. The thought of it kind of makes me say "yuck", run to the powder room and throw myself (though you're gonna say over reacting). That thought was somehow proved a couple of months after I turned 14, where I met Rey, my first boyfriend. Rey is also a gay, but much manlier than me. Our relationship last only for two months. After him, I got involve with different gays, but only through cyber thing. I never met even a single of them personally.

When I entered college (I was turning16 then), I joined the schools theater group, which requires us several times to go home as late as 21:30 (back then I'm not really used to go home that late, plus I just turned 16 then). Luckily my parents got used to it, that at some point during the 1st semester on my 2nd year I used it as a reason to cover up my personal/sexual escapades (Hey! my first sexual conquest is a couple of weeks after I turned 17). And I tell you this, call me hypocrite but that was the only time when I learned there a different classification of gays. That was when I learned that back at my high school I'm effeminate, then in my early college I'm Discreet.

Yes! I tend to call myself as a Discreet Gay, until confusion eat me up. Yes! confusion rose up in the early month of my 2nd semester on my 2nd year in college (hey! it was also the time where I shifted from Broadcasting to Public Relations). It really goes like... if before I don't want girls, why is it that now I want to marry one (shy to tell but it was only early 2008 when I had my first sexual conquest with a girl). Why is it that now I got an erotic felling when I see girls (esp. one with great shape). Why is it that now, I don't know what to call myself-- a discreet gay or bisexual. The thought of it kind of crack my head out.

Now, it's only 36 days before I turn 18, and that thing (confusion) still bugs me of what I really am. And just this summer I decided to develop that muscles, and turn that flabs into abs... Haha... I may not personally signed up in a fitness gym but hey! I have my own ways (that includes practicing my dance moves).