Quote I

I've learned that I should never assume that somebody loves me by only seeing his sweetness.
Sometimes I should believe in the fact that, some people are just FLIRTS!

Peace Be With You

Last night, I attended a mass at my favorite church.

A boy beside me turn to his mother and said "love you mom". I was a bit distracted by his gesture. Think, reminisce, ask myself... have I said this words to my mother? my father?

They were always there for me, esp. my mom. Of all the things they have done for me why is it that I find it hard to tell them this words? why is it that I have the courage to tell them I'm a homosexual but don't have the courage to tell them I love them?

I know it really sounds weird but, I really don't know why... somehow I hope that someday, before my book end I've already said it to them...

Tired of Pretending as Someone that is so not Me...

Last night, when got home after watching a movie from a cinema. I felt tired, not physically, but I felt tired of pretending.

It's just that everyday when I go to school, I pretend that I know everything about the topic being discussed, it's because I don't wanna look like left out. But now, I realize that it's better to sit there, absorbing every detail that the professor is discussing, understanding what it really mean, and just voice out an opinion.

It's just that, whenever someone ask for an advice, I always pretend that I have a lot of experience in life. But the truth is I just learn from other peoples mistake and experience.

It's just that, whenever I met someone attractive, I always tend to over drunk myself or try to please him just by pretending as someone. But now, I realize that people would like and love me more if I would just be myself-- for who I truly are...

I'm really tired of pretending as someone that is so not me...

Confused (I am really am)

In my last year in Grade School (grade6), I had a different feeling when I looked at my boy classmates. It's like a feeling of enjoyment, excitement, a feeling that would give you a hint you're a gay.

That feeling still lingers when I entered High School, or I might say... that feeling grows. There was even a time in my sophomore year when a guy classmate ask me “are you sure you're a gay... do you wanna have sex with a girl?” and I answered him “Duh! Over my dead body” and yeah... back then I really can't imagine myself in bed or even marrying a girl. The thought of it kind of makes me say "yuck", run to the powder room and throw myself (though you're gonna say over reacting). That thought was somehow proved a couple of months after I turned 14, where I met Rey, my first boyfriend. Rey is also a gay, but much manlier than me. Our relationship last only for two months. After him, I got involve with different gays, but only through cyber thing. I never met even a single of them personally.

When I entered college (I was turning16 then), I joined the schools theater group, which requires us several times to go home as late as 21:30 (back then I'm not really used to go home that late, plus I just turned 16 then). Luckily my parents got used to it, that at some point during the 1st semester on my 2nd year I used it as a reason to cover up my personal/sexual escapades (Hey! my first sexual conquest is a couple of weeks after I turned 17). And I tell you this, call me hypocrite but that was the only time when I learned there a different classification of gays. That was when I learned that back at my high school I'm effeminate, then in my early college I'm Discreet.

Yes! I tend to call myself as a Discreet Gay, until confusion eat me up. Yes! confusion rose up in the early month of my 2nd semester on my 2nd year in college (hey! it was also the time where I shifted from Broadcasting to Public Relations). It really goes like... if before I don't want girls, why is it that now I want to marry one (shy to tell but it was only early 2008 when I had my first sexual conquest with a girl). Why is it that now I got an erotic felling when I see girls (esp. one with great shape). Why is it that now, I don't know what to call myself-- a discreet gay or bisexual. The thought of it kind of crack my head out.

Now, it's only 36 days before I turn 18, and that thing (confusion) still bugs me of what I really am. And just this summer I decided to develop that muscles, and turn that flabs into abs... Haha... I may not personally signed up in a fitness gym but hey! I have my own ways (that includes practicing my dance moves).

Lesson She Taught Me...

I was browsing through my old stuff last night, and I found an old (not-too-very old) letters of a personal friend. And there, was a lesson she taught me...

"Masyado naman siya, Bakit siya ganun? He's so bad. I know you have love him na pero sana nagtira ka ng konti for yourself... nagtira ka nga ba? Now, I realize things... dapat i-balance ung mga bagay bagay, though un nga, hindi naman masama magmahal eh , pag wala na yun, pano na tayo, how can we able to meet persons and share almost everything with them kung wala tayong loved one. Pero sana wag ibibigay ang lahat lahat, I realize na ok lang na magmahal ako, pero dun na sa mamahalin ako, it's really hard to force yourself to someone na mahal mo pag may iba na siya. Parang ako... lahat ng minamahal ko may mahal nang iba, isisiksik ko yung sarili ko, ayaw naman sakin sabihin na nating hindi naman sa ayaw pero, malaman niya yung feeling ko for him madidisappoint lang ako coz I know for a fact na may mahal--minamahal na siyang iba. Grabeh it's really better to know a person first very well, kung kaylangan mo siyang pilitin for him to tell the truth why not? Kung ayaw niya, let him go, kahit na sobrang attracted ka na sakanya. Mas mabuti na siguro na isipin mo or let that person go, kesa naman sa kayo nga pero umiikot naman mundo niyo sa kasinungalingan."

Very well qouted ba?