Peace Be With You

Last night, I attended a mass at my favorite church.

A boy beside me turn to his mother and said "love you mom". I was a bit distracted by his gesture. Think, reminisce, ask myself... have I said this words to my mother? my father?

They were always there for me, esp. my mom. Of all the things they have done for me why is it that I find it hard to tell them this words? why is it that I have the courage to tell them I'm a homosexual but don't have the courage to tell them I love them?

I know it really sounds weird but, I really don't know why... somehow I hope that someday, before my book end I've already said it to them...

Him? Her? Together?

I like him... I like her, but the problem is... they are together...

February 2007, I remembered that time, the first time I saw him, I fell for him. But he'd never been mine. A friend told me to tell him what I feel, but I was afraid-- of rejection. Everyday at school, I see him, it felt like a torn in a rose, but eventually, someone came... it's her... but she know I'm gay. The same friend of mine told me to tell her what I feel, but I was afraid-- of rejection. It also felt like a torn in my heart... to never have her.

Summer vacation came, I totally forgot them.

Almost one school year, I never did saw them, coz my class is at night, and theirs is morning.

This semester, Ouch! him and her... both my classmate in one of my subjects... and they are together-- as lovers.

Now, my heart beats again... for both of them. It pains me so much to see them together. But, what can I do?

Break Free?

It's been almost a year when I dramatically told my parents that I'm a gay.

Before, I feel like a bird inside a cage, a prisoner in my room. I can't express myself thoroughly because there's a feeling in me-- scared that my parents would turn me down. Then, I decided, gather all my guts to tell them the real me... of course I was a bit afraid, but it turned out that they accept me, that they still love me.

After that, I thought that the feeling of a prisoner would fade away. That now, I'm a bird free to fly. But I was wrong, totally wrong.

I'm already 18, my family knows I'm gay, my friends know I am, I already shout to the world I am... but still there's feeling of being outcast, left alone, set-aside, forgotten... feeling of being imprisoned again-- over again.

I know I shouldn't feel like this, but, what should I do?