I'll Be Forever Blue

Last Friday was the last day am gonna see you.

I know you already mean something to me, though I know I am nothing to you. You remind me of someone, but it's not the reason why I'm feeling like this. Like, I'm falling for you. It hurts but, I know its just like that. The memory of your look will still remain.

I'm so in love with you... I'll be forever blue...

Quote VI

Just when everything is falling apart,
look again.
Coz maybe... just maybe,
things are actually falling into their rightful place.

Saturday Blues

Last Saturday (11/15)

Afternoon came, I went to my friend, Amrie's place.

Five of us--Me, Amrie, Richie, Tin, and Jade (with her daughter Cezka) practice our revalida. After we ate our dinner, we had some chitchat then hang-out at the rooftop. At about pass 9, Amrie, Tin, and I decided to go on gimmick, while Jade, and Richie decided to go home.

Pass 11pm when the three of us left Amrie's home and decided to watch the gig of another friend, Elgene at Station Grill, Marikina.

It was really fun, and also they sang the one I requested (though I used another name), also they sang Sige by 6cycle mind.

Pass 2am, we decided to go home.

We then pass by at 7eleven and buy stuff. When we got back to Amries place, Tin and I had a drinking session while Amries on water while were playing cards...

At around 5am, Amrie slept while Tin and I were still on chitchat... Tin and I haven't slept until we decided to go home at around 7am.

Quote V

A joke and a truth are not mutually exclusive.

Sometimes the best jokes are true,

and the best truths are joke.

Quote IV

Hotness
is not judged by the looks,

rather how you make others
burn in desire.

Karaoke Night.

Whew... Yesterday (11/01), We (1st family) together with my aunt hang-out at Music 21 Plaza, Timog...

I got to sing a lot of songs... Superstar (Jamelia), It's My Life (Bon Jovi), Buttons (PCD), Apologize (One Republic) and can't remember the others.

And how the hell handsome the crew in charge... bad thing I didn't get to have a picture of him... hope I can see you again.

I had a lot of fun.

Quote III

One of the saddest truths in life:
People will love and adore you
for the hundred of good things you've done for them,
but will hate you for a single mistake.

I Think I'm Falling...

OK... so here it is.

Just this Wednesday (10/29), I just started training with another company in Libis. I have a co trainee who is a vocalist of a band (I forgot their name, but I think it was like Daybreak or something), and I think I'm falling for him. You know I just find myself staring at him, to think that the training is ongoing... Oooohhhh...

But the hard part of it is to know that he is already taken... Imagine how ouch it is.

Early this afternoon, before our training ended, we have this game charade, and then when it is his turn, our co trainee request for him to sing, and he did... he sang David Cook's Time of my Life... and I was so K2DB with it... Damn... I like him... so much...

Quote II

It's tough when people start to leave you hanging.
But it's even tougher to pretend that you don't mind

Quote I

I've learned that I should never assume that somebody loves me by only seeing his sweetness.
Sometimes I should believe in the fact that, some people are just FLIRTS!

The Great Pretender

I always pretend to be happy. Talking a lot and laughing out loud so that nobody would know what's really inside. But at the end, I always find myself all alone, encountering the crucial truth: That I'm hurting too much inside, and that not even a million laughter can take it away.

Sunday

Yesterday,



My sister and I attend a Grand Alumni Homecoming at our previous school (National Teachers College). Well I actually didnt enjoy much because my close friend are not there.



After that we, together with my sister best HS guy friend Jeff hang out a Gateway. Then we met Cesca (my sisters college best friend) at Greenhills Promenade. Our main plan was only to go on cofee but, we subscribe to another idea -- to go on bar. Walking to the taxi bay we saw Yael Yuzon, and I was like... uhm... he's so cute.



We hang out at Mugen Bar at Metrowalk. I think that was around 21:00. The first one to play was Ram Chavez of Pinoy Idol, he sang 3 songs. then after almost 30min. the main band play. It was Mocha, I enjoy it alot... whew, while they were perfoming I feel like my man side arise.



At around past 12, we decide to go home, but drop by first at starbucks (at metrowalk). And, oh... next to our table was Richard Quan... whew...



whew... I really had a great day yesterday...

Tanghalang Batingaw StageFest

Last Friday (Sept.18), my sister and I, together with my friend Jamie watch Tanghalang Batingaw's 32 post-anniversary production. Shown at the Mini Theater of Lyceum of the Philippines University are 4 stage plays.

For Rent -- is all about a discreet lesbian who falls in-love with a female ramp model, who is about to get married. For Rent discuss the cruel world in which lesbians are wrongfully judge.

Onse -- revolves around Showroom, manage by a married man named Xander, who in the latter part betrayed by his brother. Problems arise when Russo, a business man showed and warned them about the previous agreement.

Siklo -- is about natures revenge. Started when Lupain (the god of Earth) got sick caused by the damage of people on nature. Lawiswis (the goddess of Air) caught a guy smoking, punish him. Tampisaw (the goddess of Water) though blissful, she still subscribe to the idea of punishing the guy in behalf of peoples cruelty on nature. Lagablab (the god of Fire) is the one very much aggressive on revenge.

Alaala -- revolves around Lorraine, a sweet loving mother, and an understanding battered wife. Reminiscing the past brought the story in life of her family.

I might say the actors are really great, esp. the cast of Siklo and Alaala.

Good Job guys.

Saturday Night

Last Saturday night (sept.06), I hang-out at Phibar at MetroWalk.

It was really my first time to go on bar. The place is really good, then the band... they were really great (I forgot the name of the band). Their costume, choreography, they even grant my request song. I find their guitarist really cute (the one beside the pianist, what do you call that). I stayed till their last set, I went home around 1:30am. It was really cool. Hope to catch another gig of their band.

And lastly, to that guy sitting ahead of my table... a smile of yours complete my night, hope to meet you again.

Advertising Project

OMG...

15 days left yet I haven't have any idea about what I would do with my project on my advertising class.

I'm thinking something about an advertisement against AIDS but I can't think any prolific idea on how could I establish a very catchy ad.

Hope I think of any before the date due.

This is killing me!

My Sister's Victory At A Competition

Woohow...

Congratulations to my younger sister Yna for the awards she received at the recent Club Gymnastica Friendship Meet held at Club Gymanastica Pasig.

She won 4th place ribbon at Beam. 3rd place bronze medals at Bars, and Vault. And 2nd place silver medals Floor exercise, and Overall.

Godbless my lil sis...

Dream 2

Another dream that's haunting me is this one...

"I was running endlessly on an endless street with a clown after me"

It's really so creepy that I woke me up in the middle of dawn, It won't let me go back to my sleep.

Death Race

I watched this movie yesterday at SM San Lazaro.

The movie is great though its too violent... I love the story outline, and every scene is really really great... hekz... Jason Statham is really a great actor

Next movie I'm going to watch is Eagle Eye.

Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Last Night, I watched this movie at SM Megacinema...

It's great... Umpisa pa lang pamatay na... hehe...

I recommend that you watch this movie... coz it's really great (though I rather Rachel Weisze reprise her role).

Peace Be With You

Last night, I attended a mass at my favorite church.

A boy beside me turn to his mother and said "love you mom". I was a bit distracted by his gesture. Think, reminisce, ask myself... have I said this words to my mother? my father?

They were always there for me, esp. my mom. Of all the things they have done for me why is it that I find it hard to tell them this words? why is it that I have the courage to tell them I'm a homosexual but don't have the courage to tell them I love them?

I know it really sounds weird but, I really don't know why... somehow I hope that someday, before my book end I've already said it to them...

Him? Her? Together?

I like him... I like her, but the problem is... they are together...

February 2007, I remembered that time, the first time I saw him, I fell for him. But he'd never been mine. A friend told me to tell him what I feel, but I was afraid-- of rejection. Everyday at school, I see him, it felt like a torn in a rose, but eventually, someone came... it's her... but she know I'm gay. The same friend of mine told me to tell her what I feel, but I was afraid-- of rejection. It also felt like a torn in my heart... to never have her.

Summer vacation came, I totally forgot them.

Almost one school year, I never did saw them, coz my class is at night, and theirs is morning.

This semester, Ouch! him and her... both my classmate in one of my subjects... and they are together-- as lovers.

Now, my heart beats again... for both of them. It pains me so much to see them together. But, what can I do?

Break Free?

It's been almost a year when I dramatically told my parents that I'm a gay.

Before, I feel like a bird inside a cage, a prisoner in my room. I can't express myself thoroughly because there's a feeling in me-- scared that my parents would turn me down. Then, I decided, gather all my guts to tell them the real me... of course I was a bit afraid, but it turned out that they accept me, that they still love me.

After that, I thought that the feeling of a prisoner would fade away. That now, I'm a bird free to fly. But I was wrong, totally wrong.

I'm already 18, my family knows I'm gay, my friends know I am, I already shout to the world I am... but still there's feeling of being outcast, left alone, set-aside, forgotten... feeling of being imprisoned again-- over again.

I know I shouldn't feel like this, but, what should I do?

Tired of Pretending as Someone that is so not Me...

Last night, when got home after watching a movie from a cinema. I felt tired, not physically, but I felt tired of pretending.

It's just that everyday when I go to school, I pretend that I know everything about the topic being discussed, it's because I don't wanna look like left out. But now, I realize that it's better to sit there, absorbing every detail that the professor is discussing, understanding what it really mean, and just voice out an opinion.

It's just that, whenever someone ask for an advice, I always pretend that I have a lot of experience in life. But the truth is I just learn from other peoples mistake and experience.

It's just that, whenever I met someone attractive, I always tend to over drunk myself or try to please him just by pretending as someone. But now, I realize that people would like and love me more if I would just be myself-- for who I truly are...

I'm really tired of pretending as someone that is so not me...

Can't Move On

Its been almost half a year since we broke up, but still, I haven’t recover from you and the pain… your memories still lingers on me, your warm and accommodating hug, sweet kisses, lovable smile, seductive look, and how you uplift me, my spirit, my confidence whenever I am down…

I can still remember those days when we would watch flicks at the movie house, dine at your favorite restaurant, take me home or sometimes at your pad, those nights when we sleep together… those things I thought were true, I thought you were true, but you weren't, those things were only lies. I thought you love me, I thought you were the guy who took me seriously, but no… you're like them, or should I say you are one of them…trippers… you never love and loved me, you just played me… I fall for your lame game—you win…

Even though you hurt me so much, I still miss you, I still love you, I still wish that we could get back to those days, I still wish for it though I know that it would and could never be.
I know I should move on, but I can't… coz you’re one of the best things that ever happen to me…
I love you, I miss you… I can’t move on…

Chain Letters

I just don't understand why people believe in these chain letters, do you really have to because you've read it and it says...

- Repost this or you will die
- Send it to everyone on your list or your mom will die
- Repost this, cause if you don't, you will a have a bad luck for 10yrs.
and the funniest as...
- Send this to 20persons within 5minutes or you will die.

I mean, duh! they're just fooling/goofing you around... you will not die or some scary/spooky thing or creature would visit you if you don't repost it. Chain Letters are just normal letters that is made to fool people around, and the ones responsible for these are those who have nothing to do or are so bored with their lives...

So please...

For anyone who would read this post...

Please help me campaign against Chain Letters...

Dream...

For the third time, I dream of this again...

I dream about a guy (I hardly see his face) who’s running on an empty and dark street. He seems tired because I can see that that he’s breathing fast and heavy, and I can see sweats all over him. On the middle of the street there was a lamppost, and adjacent to that, there’s a house (finally). That guy knocks on the door. He knocks three times, no one answered. Four, five, again no one answered. Six, seven, eight, nine, still no one answered. He thought that maybe there’s no one inside that house. He twists the knob on the door, it wasn't locked, and it opened, so he came inside.

Inside the house, he can’t see anything but only four rooms with numbers in each door. The guy brought by curiosity, opened each door. What he saw in each room is a television, which plays different scenario. On the first room, the scenario was a family who’s quarrelling over something that just happened on them. On the second o, it shows a bed scene between two boys. On the third scenario, he saw clique of boys and girls who’s throwing a party. And on the last room, he saw a guy who is hanged on a tree, with bloods all over his body…

Then… boom… I was awake, with cold sweats on my forehead, and a teardrop on my eye…

Confused (I am really am)

In my last year in Grade School (grade6), I had a different feeling when I looked at my boy classmates. It's like a feeling of enjoyment, excitement, a feeling that would give you a hint you're a gay.

That feeling still lingers when I entered High School, or I might say... that feeling grows. There was even a time in my sophomore year when a guy classmate ask me “are you sure you're a gay... do you wanna have sex with a girl?” and I answered him “Duh! Over my dead body” and yeah... back then I really can't imagine myself in bed or even marrying a girl. The thought of it kind of makes me say "yuck", run to the powder room and throw myself (though you're gonna say over reacting). That thought was somehow proved a couple of months after I turned 14, where I met Rey, my first boyfriend. Rey is also a gay, but much manlier than me. Our relationship last only for two months. After him, I got involve with different gays, but only through cyber thing. I never met even a single of them personally.

When I entered college (I was turning16 then), I joined the schools theater group, which requires us several times to go home as late as 21:30 (back then I'm not really used to go home that late, plus I just turned 16 then). Luckily my parents got used to it, that at some point during the 1st semester on my 2nd year I used it as a reason to cover up my personal/sexual escapades (Hey! my first sexual conquest is a couple of weeks after I turned 17). And I tell you this, call me hypocrite but that was the only time when I learned there a different classification of gays. That was when I learned that back at my high school I'm effeminate, then in my early college I'm Discreet.

Yes! I tend to call myself as a Discreet Gay, until confusion eat me up. Yes! confusion rose up in the early month of my 2nd semester on my 2nd year in college (hey! it was also the time where I shifted from Broadcasting to Public Relations). It really goes like... if before I don't want girls, why is it that now I want to marry one (shy to tell but it was only early 2008 when I had my first sexual conquest with a girl). Why is it that now I got an erotic felling when I see girls (esp. one with great shape). Why is it that now, I don't know what to call myself-- a discreet gay or bisexual. The thought of it kind of crack my head out.

Now, it's only 36 days before I turn 18, and that thing (confusion) still bugs me of what I really am. And just this summer I decided to develop that muscles, and turn that flabs into abs... Haha... I may not personally signed up in a fitness gym but hey! I have my own ways (that includes practicing my dance moves).

Lesson She Taught Me...

I was browsing through my old stuff last night, and I found an old (not-too-very old) letters of a personal friend. And there, was a lesson she taught me...

"Masyado naman siya, Bakit siya ganun? He's so bad. I know you have love him na pero sana nagtira ka ng konti for yourself... nagtira ka nga ba? Now, I realize things... dapat i-balance ung mga bagay bagay, though un nga, hindi naman masama magmahal eh , pag wala na yun, pano na tayo, how can we able to meet persons and share almost everything with them kung wala tayong loved one. Pero sana wag ibibigay ang lahat lahat, I realize na ok lang na magmahal ako, pero dun na sa mamahalin ako, it's really hard to force yourself to someone na mahal mo pag may iba na siya. Parang ako... lahat ng minamahal ko may mahal nang iba, isisiksik ko yung sarili ko, ayaw naman sakin sabihin na nating hindi naman sa ayaw pero, malaman niya yung feeling ko for him madidisappoint lang ako coz I know for a fact na may mahal--minamahal na siyang iba. Grabeh it's really better to know a person first very well, kung kaylangan mo siyang pilitin for him to tell the truth why not? Kung ayaw niya, let him go, kahit na sobrang attracted ka na sakanya. Mas mabuti na siguro na isipin mo or let that person go, kesa naman sa kayo nga pero umiikot naman mundo niyo sa kasinungalingan."

Very well qouted ba?

Marco!

Three years and a couple of months had already passed since I met this guy (I'll just call him Marco) who is somewhat one of those termed as "pamhinta" (like me of course). I met Marco at a b-day celebration of a common friend (I was only 14 then, 3rd-yr. HS and Marco was 3years my senior), and we kinda share the same interests like type of music, that dancing is our passion, and that the dream of being known in the world of performing arts. He's really cool to be with... I mean to strike up a conversation with (no to mention that he's gorgeous and hot). Our friendship grew when we became text mates, and sometimes we met and hangout at mall after class hours, talk over the phone for several hours during weekends...but he always refuse to tackle the topic of love and relationships, that's why back then I'd never found out if he's committed to someone or not.

For a month of hanging out with Marco, I felt like I'm starting to like him (I know for sure it is because I never felt anything like that before), but I never did told him for I'm afraid that our friendship might be affected.

Until I asked for his friendster (back then I don't really care bout my friendster acct.) so I could add him up. So it was, I browse his profile and found out that his committed to someone (to a gay of course) and that they've been together for almost a year. OUCH! that was the first thing I'd said, I mean it, I got hurt, though I know I shouldn't be. A week later, he called me (as he always do) and ask me to go at his place, luckily it's Saturday so I did. When I got there Marco was crying , I asked him why, he said that he's bf broke up with him for another guy. I looked into his eyes and I saw and felt the pain in it. I hugged him, comforted him, told him that everything would be fine and he can get over this and I'm here for him... as a friend. If only I could tell him as a lover, but I can't, I'm afraid.

And so it was, Marco had moved on, and manage to find a more serious one. As summer vacation came, our friendship blurred... I was enrolled to a summer sports program (tennis) and he on the other hand enrolled on an acting workshop. June approach, we failed to hangout on the succeeding months. I focus on my academic and had CAdT (Citizen Advancement Training) every Saturdays, but still we talked over the phone. This continue until I entered college, but it changed at the early days of August 2006, because I have to attend rehearsals for a stage play (I joined our school's theater group named Tanghalang Batingaw). For two months, he didn't call, nor answer my text message, and at friendster. And so I give up, I didn't text him... for a year.

And so, a year and several months had passed. And I'd had several commitments (all flings), but I'd never had any serious commitment for up to this day I still want him, I still feel something for him that's why I do visit his friendster profile every time I open my account, so that I would have news on him.

Now I'm 17 turning 18, and Marco's 20 turning 21. The latest news I know was that a month after his 21st b-day he's gonna get married... to a girl 2years his senior (that makes her 5year older than me), and it pains me so much to know this... though I know I shouldn't be.